Sein und Zeit lost tape
by janjansp
Summary: What happened between the night and the early morning in which Scully spent the night consoling Mulder for his mother s death…. One shot!


What happened between the night and the early morning in which Scully spent the night consoling Mulder for his mother`s death….

Yada, Yada, they are not mine, all credits to CC, GA and DD, you guys know the drill… Just digressions from a crazy mind…

First attempt on publish a Fic, so be fast and furious on critics! (actually I love t, it make me better writter! :D)

Ok I`ll accept thumb up too… :P

"Your mother killed herself, Mulder". At her words, he stopped the ramblings, and conspiracional theories over his mother`s death. A maniacal stare, disbelief on the facts shown. "I conducted the autopsy. She was dying of and incurable disease. And untreatable and horribly disease called Paget`s Carcinoma"

He kept staring, the denial still over the logical, the truth. Hope over a answer to something that cannot be changed, a reason for an human act.

"She knew it. There were doctor`s records. She didn`t want to live"

Anger from within, a need to trash something took over him, "..the table.. I`ll gonna break it! I`ll tear it from the nails and screws and break it in little pieces!", he thought.

Scully, as always, was the reason, the comforting touch, the anchor to his drifting ship.

"She was trying to tell me something. She was… Trying... to tell me something…"

He collapse, no more strength, no more… nothing… Grieve…

She debated for a few seconds, to let he be or touch him, try with her loving ways, her healing touch, rip off all sadness, all pain and put all scattered pieces of his heart back in place.

She succumb to her willing.

"Mulder, she was trying to tell you to stop. To stop looking for your sister. She was trying to take away your pain."

She kissed his neck, hold him and let herself be trapped in his strong arms, that had a vice hold that only a person would have on a hope in the abyss. Which wasn`t far from the place where he was right now.

She kept holding him, `till he cry himself to sleep or get tired to stay in that fetus position, like wanting to crawl back to the womb. Her barren womb… Ironic…

That make her remember that Nirvana song Heart Shaped Box, impressive how some 90s rock tune hold such meaning for them…

After what looked like an eternity, but probably wasn`t more than 10 minutes, Mulder raise from his position and looked to Scully sad face and slight red eyes.

He was wasted… Puffy eyes, swollen face, lost eyes.

"If you just knew how much I bleed for you…", Scully thought while searching for some response out of his numbness.

She raise up and this seams to get some response from him, at least from his head following her movement.

"Mulder, I will set the bed for up, okay?" Glassy eyes, he was in shock.

"I`m right back.." she whispered, with a caress on his cheek. When she turned, her hand didn`t followed her: it was still in his cheek, trapped between it and his hand over it. His eye were closed. She could feel he smelling her pulse, his hot breath on her palm. She stood there, rooted on the spot, frozen in time, keeping all her cool interior to not gasp, sigh or blush on the wet kiss he was given her in the center of her palm and the nuzzling afterward.

When he look at her, surprise all written on her face, mouth slightly open, he thought briefly on kissing her, get lost in her, drowning in the passion he held for her, wash over the sadness he was so sick of feel...

"I… The.. uh.. I`ll get your bed ready. Want something? You haven`t eaten…" She look at her watch, it was very late. Before she could calculate it, he spoke.

"I just want to… I`ll wait for you get it ready… thank you"

With a squeeze of his hand she went to his bed.

He rubbed his face one more time slowly, as to clean his mind or wake him from the nightmare. When it didn`t worked, he rose and went to his bedroom.

He stay there, in the doorframe, watching her finishing to set the comfy duvet.

When she turn to call him, she was met with him.

"Jesus… Mulder...I didn`t hear you…"

"Stay…"

She look to him, searching…

"Of course… Want me do draw you a bath?"

He smiled a little remembering a case, when he tease her about it when she did it for Kevin Kryder, the stigmata boy.

"Thanks, but I just want to laid down…"

"I`ll let you get dress"

"NO! Stay! I mean… May I… Would you hold me?"

He was so lost, like a child, probably just like when he lost his sister, alone, needing someone to hold him, say nice words, whisper he wasn`t all alone, tell him that he was loved.

"Oh Mulder…" She hugged him again, so tight, to make sure he understood and could feel her strength and support, just like he always had done to her.

As he hold her back, he let his hands wander through her back, one ending in her lower back the other playing with the hair on the base of her neck.

This was getting dangerous, they could get into the emotion and heated moment. Mulder didn`t deserve a pity fuck, neither did she deserved a one night stand with the man she loved. It wasn`t the time.

He nuzzled her neck.

"Mulder…"

He kept breathing her, intoxicated by her smell. "Oh God I love her smell.." He whispered so low, that if his mouth wasn`t inches away from her ear, she would probably miss that.

He realized she was pushing him away.

She probably thought she heard it principally just after that he said, a little louder "Don`t leave me…"

"I won`t go anywhere… Lemme help you to lay down.."

She did as she always have done with him when he is sick: helped him get off his t-shirt, took his shoes and socks off and turn her back as he took his jeans of, been only in his boxers and helped him ease on his pillows.

"I`ll get you a glass of water and some sleeping pills and aspirins, want anything?"

He shook his head in denial.

She took an aspirin herself, filled a tall glass of water and look through his bathroom for something to help him sleep, making a memo to get some Rivotril or anxiety drug to get him though the whole week and service afterwards.

When she got to the bedroom, he was asleep already, making her relief to not having something to help him sleep or be on his bed and hold him until he sleeps.

Not that she wouldn`t want to, actually she was craving for it, but the way he was acting, nuzzling her neck, setting butterflies on her stomach with his needy hold for her comfort, would make her do or show too much in the wrong time.

She left the door ajar and went to the living room, to try to get some sleep. She was almost drifting off when Mulder screams and wailings started.

"Mom… MOM! Please, don`t leave me alone… Please tell me, what you need to talk with me? Don`t let me.. please.. I`ll be a good boy.. Mom… I love you.. don`t let me.. please.. I`ll find her… Just.. just like I promise you.. Mom.."

It broke Scully`s heart. Tears started to fall for him, so many that she didn`t quite saw the pathway to his bed, as her vision got blurred. She kneel next to his head and caress his wet lock from his forehead.

"Don`t cry baby, I`m here… Nothing will hurt you anymore, let the pain go… Let it be… Stop the chase, I.. I love you.."

She talk to him in the most quite voice, so his unconscious think it was his mother soothing words, not hers. She would never open up like that, and that easily to him. But it was so good to voice it. Like take a burden, share a very dirty secret… It was a little dirty secret, on her mind, on their unspoken terms, set so long ago…

This seams to calm him down, ease his worry lines, relax his body.

She couldn`t stop herself to touch him, at least that wouldn`t harm.

"Dana… Scully…." he mumble.

She froze. Was him awake?

"Scully…" he said it louder, as if calling her.

"Scu.. Scully…" he started to break down and cry again.

"Shush… There… I`m here.. I didn`t left you, I`ll be here"

He opened his eye and look deep on her blue ones, that were directly in front of him.

His stared was so intense, she had never see his eye in such hue of bright green, its power frighten her.

"I need to feel you… Close to me… Please, stay with me."

This caught her of guard, and he realize that.

"I won`t do anything, I just… need to feel you are alive… feel your skin, your warmth…"

He realize he was stepping the ground rule they did long ago. He shaked his head and look to the floor, ashamed, trying to think a quick answer to not scare her away and make her stay and at least hold his hand.

To his surprise, she stood up, turn her back to him and started to get undress, standing only in her bra and underwear. She gave a unsteady breath before look back at him in bed and see his hound dog eyes glue to her face while he gave room for her to lay down.

He forced to look to the back of her head, the fought the urge to look at her body, at her tattoo, he knew he would be lost.

A million thoughts ran in her head in that minute, mostly scary and the ones that make her feel like the non-confident teenage girl she was back in school. It wasn`t rejection fear, she knew deep down the feeling she have for him was reciprocal. It was the fear for the lost of control, she knew that, as all her relationships, she would be lost in it in a week, and with Mulder, she didn`t want it to come back to the way it is now or never see him again. It was her last change on love, she was sick and tired to get a broken heart, or realize it was a mistake. That`s why so much care on this one, so long wait. She promised herself after Daniel, that she only would aloud someone who see her as she really was, whom would accept her ways, listen to her, make her laugh, be her best friend… And she also promise herself to love, or get in terms with all flaws and wrong doings…

He plead with his eyes, inviting her into his warm bed, holding the duvet for her.

She turn to him as in slow motion. His bed was too tall for her get in without assistance, so she hold on to the mattress to get in. Mulder realize that I hold the small smile that wanted to reach his libs and get hold of her tiny waist to help her get in. As he did it, combined with the jump she did to get in their faces were inches a part, they stare at the other eyes, making notes of all nuances and colorful spots in the iris. Scully gave up first, and with her arm length get some space between them, but he didn`t gave up of the hold on her waist, now a loose one that do more harm to her than he thought it was enough to let her set it free.

After she settle, he took the duvet to cover her up to her chin and keep his arm on top of it, over her shoulder. Scully look straight to his face a light blush in her face which make him ask with his eyes.

"I.. ah.." she let a nervous smile go "I don`t feel.. I can`t.. " To this he took his arm from her and look away from her, ashamed for asking so much of her, again…

"No! You didn`t understand, Mulder… I.. I can`t sleep with my bra on… It hurts like hell…" She let a nervous laugh out, while looking away.

He look to her a little impress by her admission of such intimate fact of her, but relief that it wasn`t a rejection.

"I won`t touch you Scully, I just need you near"

"That`s not the problem.. I.. ah.. I just don`t want you get the wrong idea, I guess… Not that you would! I trust you, and I believe you trust me too, so.. well…"

He boldly take his hand on her face and caress her cheek with his thumb. She look up to him and set her hand in his shoulder to gave her room to maneuver out of her bra. He look away, he didn`t want to get a glimpse of something he could`t have, couldn`t touch…

When she stilled her movements, he looked back at her. She was staring at him, as asking for permission.

They start to speak at same time, and smiled shyly.

They didn`t need words, they never did. A look in each other eyes and they knew what the other wanted, so they went with the flow, carefully, as to trap a delicate butterfly that was their hearts.

She came closer to him, until she feel his warm body inches await and looked in his eyes.

He opened his arms, welcoming her.

She shyly wrap her arms on his waist and he crushed her against his bare chest.

What a wonderful feeling is to hold someone you love like that, skin against skin, the warmth, the shape of the body, the dizzy smell of the other mixing with yours…

"Ahh you smell so good…" Mulder said it again, louder, not doubt of it anymore, with his nose dug in the crown of her hair, hands all over her back, soothing…

She let a happy sigh and her legs tangle with his.

From outside, you would only know where one start and the other end by the fierce red of her hair.

They drifted off immediately.

She wake up on her back. His head on her pillow, his breath tickling her shoulder and his arm over her chest, hand reign on her right breast.

It felt so right, so natural, that she got extra care to move from him without wake him up.

She took one of his shirt of the floor and put it on. Collect her cloths and on her way to the bathroom, she look to his sleeping form. She gave on the indulge to look at him: his face, sight of his tortured soul and another two nightmares she had to hold and caress his back to still and sooth him; he still be in the same position she just left him, nose dug on the pillow they shared and hand holding enough duvet to think it was her body.

She sit on a chair near the window, the room all dark. She stay there, watching his sleep for awhile, she couldn`t say how long, but the sun was starting to come up.

She went silently to the bathroom and took a shower to wash her knots and thoughts away. She had to be strong for him. His touchstone, right?

When she come out the bathroom, Mulder woke up, realized that she wasn`t there, beside him like he thought she was last night. Maybe he dreamt of his stoic partner half naked in bed with him lulling him to sleep while their bodies were tangle.

He got up and when he found her looking for some breakfast for them both they heard the door knock.

Their shared a look and he went back to get dressed as she went to the door.

It was Skinner, and got news from California.


End file.
